Tired of Fake Ass People

So two days ago I had surgery on my neck. I had a growth or sumthing in my neck. Got it taken out. Now I told all my friends about the surgery....n its sad it seems the ppl on twitter were more concerned. None of my friends came to see me. The main ppl who were concernef were ppl that live out of town. Aint that some shit. Just makes u think about all the people who supposedly got your back but really don't. All u have is yourself n God.

I knew that was true but when u have to live it it has a totally different meaning.

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I wonder why people dont stay long in my life? Friends, family, and "lovers". Its always for a season. I only have 2 friends that have been with me throughout any and everything. I only have about 5 family members who are always there when I need them and 1 lover and 1 boyfriend who has never wavered. And I love each and everyone of them for that.

My thoughts on Love

Love, such a little word with an enormous meaning. Used by many. But meant by few. You cant love someone one day and change you mind the next. Love is long suffering and patient. Love is supposed to last forever. It doesnt have a time limit. Love is supposed to conquer all. Love is supposed to see you through. So if you were in a relationship and neither one of you can stand each other anymore and you wouldnt help each other out in your time of need, even though you arent together, then that means neither of you really loved each other.So many of us say we love a person but as soon as things go wrong we turn our backs on them. We see each other in the street and wont even speak. Thats not love. That means at one time that person had some sort of benefit to you when you and when the good times wore out you dropped them, or vice versa.

Love.....So many people I have come across...and we have said 'I love you" but once the relationship was over it was like we never knew each other. There are only a few people in my life that I can say really love me and I love them back We may not talk all the time. But whenever we need each other we are always there for each other.

I wish there was a way to be sure if a person loved you or not. It would make all relationships a lot easier. But one thing to remember....they say a lot of times real love dont love you back. Meaning there will be times when you love the hell out of person (friend, family, lover) and they will just not feel the same. But its our job to love as Christ. So I say this...regardless of how others feel about you, love them hard. But at the same times, if you know you are no good, let it be known. Sometimes you have to love a person enough to let them go. But you can still be around when they need you.

The Struggle is Worth the Victory

Sitting here thinking about life. My life. Others' lives. I look at all these people living dirty and who could care less about doin right, they are living easy, no worries. And then I look at people like me who try to do the right thing and live right and still are struggling. But looks can be deceiving. The ones who seem to be living the life as a result of their evil are really not as happy n carefree as they seem to be. Many have to watch their backs and have few friends because they can't trust anybody. And they all know eventually the dirt they were doing will catch up to them in the long run. Now, as far as the rest of us, we need to understand that if we continue to do right God will reward us in the end. Our blessings have to come to us. If God said it then it has to come to pass. It gets hard and sometimes it seems Gods blessings will never come. But they are on the way.....

My Black Men

I got some bad news yesterday. My girl called me and told me her son's father had been arrested for the murder of another young black man. The man that was killed had his life on track. He had a good job and was an asset to the community. He was good people. His life was ended by a couple of punks that wanted to rob him. They got $80 and shot him in his head. Over $80? For real? Was it that serious and are times that hard that a person gets killed over $80? It is so sad that everytime I turn on the news some young black man is going to jail over some nonsense. One killed because he was on the wrong side of town. One killed because someone was upset with his friend and not him. When will it end? And everyone gets mad at the police for gunning "us" down but who's killing more black men, the cops or other black men? I swear we must believe in genicide because for years and years we have been killing each other off. And for what? Over nonsense. We could take over this world if we would wisen up and fight with education and not guns. If someone doesnt like you or whatever, so what. Make them mad by being successful. Finish school and go to some kind of higher learning institution to better yourself so you can live. It doesnt and shouldnt matter what or how other feel about you. Life is too short to let a bunch of nonsense and foolishness take it away. There are millions of black folks in jail forever, and have been in jail forever, and will be in jail forever over some stupid shit. When will the cycle end? Is it that serious to prove you arent a punk? Sometimes a man has to walk away. Every battle doesnt have to be won with violence. It saddens me and breaks my heart to see my black men allowing the streets to govern what they do. The only thing street life will get you is killed. I understand street life is sometimes the only option, but God always opens a door for you to improve your circumstances. Dont be a fool. There's already enough against you black man. Stay strong. Get educated. Drop that pride. Humble yourself. Work hard for yourself, for your dreams. Dont be another waste of a good man.

Love

Isnt love supposed to be everlasting? Isnt love supposed to stand the test of time? If so then when you break up with someone and never talk to them again....does that mean you never loved each other? If I say I love you but then leave you because of some of your ways...does that mean I didnt love you due to your flaws? Or does that mean you didnt love me because you didnt change? Arent we supposed to love inspite of the fact we may not be a nice person all the time. Or despite the fact we may act like a children at times? Isnt love supposed to be the foundation that makes relationships more sustainable and endurable and pleasurable? Isnt it?

All and No Play......

It seems these last two years of my life have been all work. And two jobs at that. Leaving one job to go to the next. End leaving them to go to church and then home. The same cycle. Over and over. Work. Church. Home. Work. Church. Home. And thats fine but damn, can a chick catch a flick or something?! lol. And most of it had to do with other people not being available. So after analyzing my life and circumstances, I decided that today is a new day. I will no longer let others stand in the way of my entertainment and happy. If its just me, fine. If its just me and my daughter, fine. Staying in the house everyday is not an option. All work and no play is goin to make me a bitch. A bitter cranky bitch at that. lol. We dont want that. Its time to live! So its my time. If I'm alone......sobeit

Pride

I just left church and I learned some thing......pride isnt just something that keeps you from doing right or asking for help. Pride is also holding on to things. So often we blame pride for the reason someone chose not to get help for a certain area or if they dont do what needs to be done because they fear the reprecussion of others. But we dont think that holding a grudge or hating someone because they hurt us is a problem. Well, my children, it is. When someone hurts us, and we use it to dislike them for a period of time, or we use that to act hateful back, that is pride. When you get mad at someone and hold on to it for a long period of time, you are holding up your blessings and salvation in your life. God wants you to let go of the hurt, pain, anger, or whatever is hindering you. When you seem to keep goin through the same trail or problems over and over....that means either you haven't learned what you need to or you haven't died in that area (gotten over it). When you get mad everytime you hear your baby daddy's name, you arent over it. (preaching to myself in that one) When you keep getting into the same dead relationships or you cant seem to make it past a certain area in your life, that means something is blocking the flow of God. We need to examine ourselves and ask God "What do you want me to learn in this situation?" Once we understand that every situation is a test and trial and that we are supposed to learn something, we can pass these tests and move on to the next level of our spirituality. By overcoming, we allow God's glory and salvation to flow in our lives freely and this helps release our blessings. I know it isnt always easy, and tests get harder at each new level. But He loves us and wont put more on us than we can bare. We dont have to go through anything alone. He is always there willing and ready to help his children. So think about all the people you may have done wrong or cut off due to your wrong doing and make it right. And for all the people that did you wrong, thank them for helping you get closer to your blessing.

My Summer

Well, I thought my summer would have begun on a higher note but obviously not. Two weeks before summer.......got dumped, my ace got knocked up, and will be working longer hrs than i anticipated. And I start Monday, which is tomorrow. And I have to close. From damn 4-12:30. Are you serious right now? I got invited to the beach. Just found out I cant go. The few home girls I had are lost in their own world (pregnant, moving, boyfriend, husband). And the only thing that is left is me. I had so many plans for this summer. It was supposed to be one of the best summers yet. I dont know if it will make it to that status. But I am going to try my damnest to make this the best summer for me and mine, meaning my daughter and mother. If nothing else, I will make sure those two ladies have a blast this summer.

I Don't Understand

Why am I the one that always has to give in 1st? I have to bend. I have to apologize. Why? I can see if I was in the wrong. In that case I would be grown woman about it and apologize. But why every time someone does something to me I have to be the one to be the bigger person. I have to call. I have to email. I have to text. When will someone confess to me that they were wrong. Why when I get done dirty they just disappear instead of apologizing? But they all say the same thing 'I love you'. Whether a family member, friend, or boyfriend. I just don't get it.

U Say I'm a Good Woman

U say I'm a good woman......
But yet u lie to me and deceive me
Cause me tears and pain
Beat me and mistreat me
Over and over again

U say I'm a good woman.....
But u never compromise
Always accusing me for our downfall
Not realizing u are the cause of our demise

U say I'm a good woman....

to be continued.....

Cant Win For Losing

Why is it the child always craves the absent parent. The parent that aint doing shit. I dont get it. Yeah I missed my dad when he left but that was because he was their everyday of my adolescence. But my child's father has been in her life a whole 8 and a half months of her life, and not altogehter but spread out over 6 years, and yet she gets ecstaitc when she hears his name. She whines about missing him and wanting to see him. I told her if he wanted to be with her or talk to her then he would put forth effort to do so. He doesnt call, write, or send any kind of support for her. And I dont get why not. I have never called to bug him. I dont rant and rave when he does call. I try to be as civil as I can hoping that maybe one day he will come to his senses and realize he is missing out on a beautiful talented little girl. But now I feel otherwise. I believe deep down in my soul that he will NEVER be a father to her. It was easier when she never knew who he was. But then he decided to come home for a couple of months and spent some time with her and now she is holding on to that. Even though she watched him disrespect me and he wasnt too nice to her either, she still craves her father. And I pray. I pray with everything I have that one day God will send me a loving man that wants to be a husband to me and a father to her. And still I wait.....

Question of Truth

Why are we so afraid of truth? Isnt it supposed to make us free? Knowing whats real and embracing truth....that embodies freedom. Freedom to say and do what you believe to be true. If you believe in a certain truth, stick by that and stand on it. Dont sway. Being comfortable and confident in what you believe and how you feel. And dont be afraid to speak on it. If they ask how you feel about something or your opinion, tell them. No matter the consequences. People need to learn to agree to disagree and move on. Relationships are both built and broken over truth. Choose which side you would rather be on. Would you rather lay a foundation of truth, which will stand the test of time. Or would you rather build on lies and watch things fall to pieces as truth begins to weigh it down?

Me or him?

So....when we first met...laughter, smiles, kisses, and hugs. No problems. No altercations. Just fun. Then the real came. Reality slapped us both in the face. We realized it would be work. We had to work a little harder to get a reaction out the other. At times it seemed impossible. But we decided to try. There were good times and bad. But I never faultered. I knew in my heart you would forever be mine and we could work through any problem. But you couldnt handle my reality. It got too real. Disagreements, attitudes, frustration and tears. You couldnt deal. So you left. And yes I was sad. But I understood....not everyone can handle when real and truth is in their face.